My Mommyfesto : Lowered Expectations

My life is hectic. And I'm a hectic kind of a person; always in a rush. So I make an effort to slow down once in a while, to catch my breath and to just be in the moment. My daughter is really good at reminding me to do just that. So is my husband, come to think of it. They both inspire and bribe me into chilling out and taking it easy.

My life is hectic and I'm harried because there is just no way that I can do all that I need to do in the time that it needs to be done. Balancing motherhood with a career is something that I've proven I cannot do. And it took me a couple of years and some good pscyhotherapy to realize and accept that this "failure" to balance my life is not my fault. And that it isn't even a "failure" at all. How can I fail at something that just cannot be done? It's like saying "I failed to grow wings and I've been trying so hard to do so for the last 2 years."

So a year later, here I am, still hectic and harried, but actually happy. I'm happy now because I've learned to lower my expectations -- something that doesn't come easy to a perfectionist and a control freak like me. My lowered expectations do not translate to my accepting mediocrity; instead, it just means re-prioritizing my life and my responsibilities as a mom, a wife, a mompreneur, a woman. And it goes something like this:

1. Let her be. As long as my daughter is safe and healthy and happy, then I'm doing a good job. I do not buy her fancy, electronic gizmos and only buy her clothes on sale or consignment, but I build sandcastles with her and play Candyland with her till I'm blue in the face. On days when I have to sit in front of my computer and work for a couple of hours, I feel guilty that I'm not "doing" anything with her...then I realize that she's learned to occupy and amuse herself, that her imaginary sister and brother and dog are playing with her anyway and that I'm not horrid for just letting her BE. She always comes first in my life but there is no competition so she doesn't need to be first anywhere else. Perhaps it was because she was born prematurely and was just never by the book in terms of her milestones, but we were never ones to compare our daughter with her peers. We just let her be.

2. Rotate and take turns. That goes for everyone and everything because there's only one of me and a lot of them (people and chores and stuff). Some days, I get to answer most of my emails and return all my business phone calls, but that means that I don't get to vacuum or read "The Lorax" with my daughter when she asked me to. Other days, my daughter and I spend all morning toboganning and making snow angels, and I end up staying up till 2 am catching up on my business work. I've also been known to not do the laundry for weeks -- which is why we all own around 3 dozen pairs of underwear and socks. True, I abhor most if not all household chores, but I do get to the laundry when there's nowhere else to walk on in the bedrooms. I triage the stuff that I need to do, and if it isn't life-imploding, then it can wait even longer. Especially when it's a gorgeous sunny day and we can be outside playing and NOT doing chores.

3. Beauty is skin-deep. The last time I had my nails done was in 2001, and I've left the house with wet hair during the winter. But I'm always clean and neat, and so is my daughter. As much as I love to look good and dress well, some days, I just don't have the time or the inclination or the presence of mind to put on a little make-up and wear something other than yoga pants and runners. Sometimes, it's simply because there are no other clean clothes left to wear. However, in spite of my all-too-casual attitude about my physical appearance, I know that I look good as long as I feel good, outfit and frizzy hair notwithstanding. Except when I'm PMSing, then of course, no pair of skinny jeans nor amount of mineral make-up can ever make me feel not pugly.

4. A little bit won't hurt. I'm a stickler for good nutrition. My 4-year-old daughter has never had candy or corndogs, and has no idea what McDonald's or Coke or Oreo is. I have the Food Pyramid engraved in my pscyhe, and even if all else fails, I'm always able to put a good meal on the table with all the food groups accounted for. But I'm not perfect (shhh... don't tell my hubby!) On the days when I just cannot cook, we order pizza. Or get Chinese food. And I feed it to my daughter without beating myself up over the amount of sodium or whatnot that she's consuming that night because, hey, a little bit won't hurt. Same goes for the dust that accumulates on the bookshelves. And on the TV. And on every hard surface at home.

5. Party at home. Since becoming parents, my husband and I can count the number of times that we've been out on a date at night. Partly because we didn't want to leave our daughter; largely because we don't have the money to spend on a babysitter and dinner and a show. While I wouldn't turn down a night about town especially if it means getting all gussied up and feeling sexy, I have come to really appreciate the value of being secure in the knowledge that it's not where I am that matters, but rather, who I am with. And sitting on the sofa munching on tortilla chips while watching "Heroes" and holding hands with my guy...that's the kind of partying that I love to do.

6. Jump on the bed. I have to applaud IKEA for making such sturdy bed frames. Or maybe applaud my husband who put our bed frame together. Because the three of us have all jumped on that bed at the same time and it's still standing. Some of the best Sundays we've had as a family were spent at home doing nothing. Except jumping on the bed. And playing hide and seek. Or getting locked out of our house and jimmying the screen and window so our daughter can climb in and unlock the back door for us. Our lives and schedule sare crazy enough during the week. Sundays are sacred; a time to be thankful and do nothing much.

7. I'm worth it. As a new mom, I was consumed by the enormity of motherhood. I strived to be the selfless and loving mother who gave her all without asking for anything in return. The martyrdom only lasted for as long as my sanity held out...which was for a total of 3 years and 2 months. Quite a long stretch for a mom to go without regular me-times because she was feeling guilty about taking the time and the money to treat herself; to find herself really. When I became a mom and subsequently gave up my career, I really felt a loss of self especially as I never envisioned my life as NOT an architect. I didn't know about the dichotomy that motherhood would bring into the mix. I thought I would just append "mothering" onto my existing self and move on from there. It took me awhile to not feel ashamed to tell people that I was a stay-at-home mom. I felt boring and uninteresting and unable to keep up with my husband who spent his days in deep lawyerly thought with other deep lawyerly thinkers. It was in the darkest days of my depression that I found myself again. In an effort to get better, I took the time that my husband offered me: the time to be by myself, the time to exercise and be active, the time to rediscover who I am and what I am about. And I did. I learned to accept my limitations, learned to accept the fact that as a mom, perfection is not an option. It took a lot of time and money, but I'm worth it. To this day, I continue to take the time for myself -- at the gym, as I work in my own business, at Boston Pizza with my fellow moms and girlfriends, because not only am I worth it, but my family is worth getting better and staying well for.